i screwed my boss and all i got were these lousy t-shirts

i like to make the rules. 

it makes it easier when it all goes to shit.

then i can say that i saw it all coming or i didn't intend for it to go on or some other bullshit and not look like i just got egged. 

but it still hurts; it always hurts.

pain is a part of growth.

in your body, as the cartilage turns to bone, you get "growing pains." fuck, they made a whole show about that that awkward, crazy part of life where you can do nothing right and everything seems to be headed straight to hell in a hand-basket. (well, it wasn't really about that but it may as well have been.) 

as i was saying, making the rules which fence in the pain and suffering makes this horrible, lonely journey a little more bearable. normally, people with obsessive-compulsive disorder need to control everything. i have a variant of it which makes want to control the uncontrollable — hence my need to attempt to regulate other people's feelings. 

it's not possible.

and i know that.

but that won't stop me from attempting to control something in everyone else's life. 

someday i'll stop it all — the worry, the controlling, the acting — and life will be as life is supposed to be. 

but it's probably gonna be a long way before we get there.