a pretty little picture

sometimes i'm so sure you have a heart. 

the things you do, the way you act, the seemingly nice things you say — how could you not?

other times, i wonder if you even have a soul. 

the way you can't handle life, the way you run from anything you feel, the way you make yourself so unavailable. 

but at the end of the day, no matter how cruel you can be, i know you're only human. the life you seem to enjoy so much is generally a facade. 

it's a small, pretty little picture you've created to fit into a small, ornate frame you can share with people.

but it isn't the truth. 

and it isn't even a piece of the truth. 

it's a jumble of lies; it's make-believe.

it wasn't all make-believe, right? i have to believe at some point it became make-believe, that it didn't start out that way. maybe that's just me lying to me though. 

but after the way you treated me the other day, after the way you helped me ... i have to believe there's more to you than everyone cries about. 

my sanity sorta requires it.

and then suddenly there were too many ...

suddenly i had too many distractions and too much to focus on and too much to deal with.

and i wouldn't have it any other way. 

the school year is boring. work and school and play and occasionally soccer. but that's it.

no free time, no fun, no distractions. 

but summer. well summer is an open ended book. anything can happen and quite frequently does. 

and i love it. 

even though it's too hott out. 

in the summatime

i really, really need a distraction. 

i have people and i have work and i have soccer. but i need a single distraction. 

i need a distraction comparable to last year and its magic. yes, i'm romanticizing it all and no, i don't want the same thing (no offense; it's just an "i love you but ..." situation). 

but it was fun. and inspiring and a spectacular way to survive the summer. 

change is bad. don't let anyone tell you different

one year ago today, i couldn't possibly tell you what i was doing. 

what i wasn't doing, though, was working, driving or schooling. i had crashed betsey about a month ago; i hadn't started at apple yet; and summer school was a couple weeks away. 

and now it's all different. 

i have a truck with no name, a job i think im a little in love with and i may actually graduate by next june. 

but what else do i have?

a new computer, a new phone, a new ipod. 

yeah, they've all stemmed from my job. 

but that's about it. 

a year ago today i was in the beginnings of the greatest, probably unhealthiest relationship that never existed. i was headed to vegas and hanging out in a casino while legally underage. i was getting royally screwed and jilted while pursuing what i thought was my passion. i found an adoptive family and i still didnt have a steady form of transportation. 

i've been thinking about the past year a lot more lately. with my one year anniversary at my job and with the realization that after all my ranting i may actually graduate on time, a year has taken on new meaning. 

four seasons/twelve months/365.25 days later, there were four relationships, two roommates, three new lifelong friends. 

eh, maybe i'm just tired. 

maybe i've been in one place for too long again. 

can you catch a disease from a movie? because i think i have holly golightly syndrome, where all you want to do is leave because nothing moves fast enough and no one stays long enough and everything is ephemeral. 

maybe i'm just being melodramatic though and everything is fine.

yeah, and maybe change is good. 

a pretty pop star

so i found this on iTunes as one of those recently "cool" downloads ... or whatever that right side menu is for. anyway, katy perry is apparently on the radio lots ahora, but since i dont listen to the radio i havent been cool enough to hear her new single, "i kissed a girl." hilarious lyrics, nice beat, above all a nice sequel to her first hit, "ur so gay."

katy perry kisses girls for the sake of music

p.s. does she remind anyone else of a cross between cute lil' zooey deschanel and emily blunt?

job hunting

jobs i could do well and have fun with, ranging from the totally possible to the highly improbable:

copy editor for a newspaper

writing for a newspaper (if you can find one that isn't broke) 

freelance copy editing, like for a website or magazine

blogging

book copy editing

movie reviewing, like for Entertainment Weekly or a nearby magazine

more to be added later, i'm sure.